Zeus Exploits

Happy New Year - Declaration for the New Year!

2007-01-03T17:26:00.000-08:00

As the god of procreation, I, Zeus, wish all of you a new full year of procreating. Please include my fellow god, Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and intoxication. This leads to unabashed hours of pleasure, usually followed by some form of guilt. To deal with the guilt, repeat process mentioned above! Happy New Year CyberWorld!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2006-11-14T12:19:00.000-08:00

I'm going to Mt. Olympus and drink a nice hearty bottle of red wine. WooHoo, what a ride!!!

Fondling myself in Starbucks

2006-11-10T15:55:00.000-08:00

It's one of those moment in times and all you can do is shrug your shoulders.

I was at Starbucks and had picked up my drink, but as I walked away I left my card on the counter. I went back to retrieve it and leaned over the "barista counter" to grab the card from the kind Barista.

Where I was leaning, to get the card, was a magazine rack and a piece of the rack caught my zipper while I was in motion. I instantly had the feeling my fly was down and my natural instinct was to check to make sure I was zippered up. But, the way I did it made it look like I was copping a feel of my unit (usually I'm not opposed to this, but not in public). It was at that moment that I remembered I was near the front of the line of people waiting to order their drinks and looked up to see if anyone caught me in my unintentional grope. My eyes met hers. She was very attractive and there on her lips was a half smile. I was dead in the water, full-on busted, caught in the act! What could I do, but smile, shrug my shoulders and get the hell out of there!

Halloween Story (G Rated Version)

2006-10-31T12:43:00.000-08:00

A cabbie picks up a nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't
stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be
single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"Okay", the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child", said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

MIA - Taking care of Dad - Something Bizarre

2006-10-24T17:12:00.000-07:00

Where have I been??? Taking care of my parent(s) is a challenge I never thought, or hoped, I would have to face. Whew! Every days something new and something more (medical/financial)to uncover. The previous image was blocked by big brother sorry about that. But screw all that for now...

This is so weird that it will boggle your mind . . . . . AND you

will keep trying to do it at least 50 more times to see if you can
outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so . . . and there is nothing you can do about it. Now explain to your neighbor what you're doing and try not to sound mentally deficient.

Cheers - Zeus!

Beauty of the Day - Yea!

2006-09-26T16:46:00.000-07:00

Old Age, Treachery & A Little Old Lady

2006-09-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of
the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto
the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady ....."I'd
better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How d id you get all that money?"
"Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of Wrigley Field. Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go
and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time
someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off
it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's
in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Some guys think I'm bluffing."

Temptation Knocks

2006-09-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

I stood there looking at my cell phone - who the hell is this? I listened to the message again - *bingo*! It was Erin from Grade School, for Christ sake! I had spoken to her earlier in the year about a 8th grade class reunion which I couldn't make because of the trip to Italy.

I hadn't talked to her in about twenty years at that point and she just rattled on asking very probing questions: "Are you married?", "Do you have kids?" "Most of us aren't bringing our spouses, are you?!" So I asked an old male classmate who went to the reunion what was Erin all about. He knew what I was talking about. She's still attractive, married, but looking to find something on the side. Apparently, there's a few of the girls in the class up to the same thing - according to my old male classmate.

So, the message was to meet a few of the girls for lunch this Saturday at a coffee shop just to "catch up" and keep the connection going since the reunion. She told me to invite my old male classmate, too. Then she left her home number to return the call. When I looked on my cell phone to see if the number matched, it didn't. It was a residential number 10 miles from where she lived. A few things haven't added up in all of this. Most important is that I left that school after 4th grade and never came back. I dated one girl shortly in the early 80's, and the old male classmate is the only one I truly keep in touch with - oh, besides my Dentist(that's another story). So, I'm interested to see why the pursuit is persistent from Erin and her gaggle of girls. Stay Tuned - reports to follow.

Am I getting OLD?

2006-09-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

OK - I was at a party Saturday night and a friend and his wife were there. The wife was absolutely radiant. I've had intermitent crushes on her over the years and I thought they'd finally gone away, even at my age. I actually feel bad I get so entranced by her, but absolute beauty is my achilles heel.

So, I follow that up today with an airline flight next to a gorgeous blond woman, my other "super" achilles heel. We talked, SHE flirted and I could care less. No butterflies, no involuntary you know whats (too old for that anymore), just plain nothing. Am I getting old? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously

2006-09-01T16:44:00.000-07:00

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like … . well, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 % of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 % of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened

25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow

Home Life Security - MEN, BE INFORMED!

2006-09-01T14:43:00.000-07:00

Male Home Life Security Guide

Warning to some women, you may not like the link! You have been warned. Hopefully you have a good sense of humor!!!

You've been Polled - Weddings

2006-08-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

Copy and paste in comments section - please...

1. Where and when was the last wedding you attended?

2. What's the furthest you've ever traveled for a wedding?

3. What's your general opinion of weddings?

4. What's your favorite wedding tradition?

5. Least favorite?

6. What do you usually give as a gift?

7. What's the best thing you ever eaten at a wedding?

8. What's the most bizarre thing you've seen at a wedding?

9. Have you ever dated someone you met at a wedding?

10. Would you rather have a big wedding or just elope?

Europe or the US?

2006-08-29T17:22:00.000-07:00

What continent would you see this on?

Sex on Mars

2006-08-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

Get in there and pull my ears NOW!

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do. "A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

Now you know why the little dude at the top wears a helmet!

Waterskiing Nude on the Willamette River

2006-08-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

During the summer months in Portland (Ptown), I spent a large amount of days, evenings and a few nights skiing on the Willamette River. These were the restaurant days...play during the day, work your shift and party at night.

My roommate, Tom from Atlanta, had a red aluminum hull boat with an outboard motor. We'd pitch in money for gas and try to get as many girls to go out with us as often as we could. We did lots of stupid things, too, along the way, like "Speed Bombing". Speed Bombing was climbing up on the front of the boat while it was cruising near top speed and jumping off. You'd tumble along the top of the water and when you stopped we'd all be laughing. Since the restaurant we worked at, The Rusty Pelican (RP), was right on the water we'd drive the boat toward it during lunch and give'em show. Most of the time it was "speed bombing" and other times it standing on the front of the boat looking like Captain Morgan with our pants around our ankles.

Our best boating events, however, was sneaking the boat out at night onto the river which was slightly illegal and not to mention dangerous with an occasional rogue big log drifting along. But, skiing under the bridges in the city lights of Portland was a blast, not mention exhilarating. My roommate and mine ploy was to get the girls to go out with us after work in the boat. We'd be daring and foolish and in some cases get them to come back to "warm up" at our house just down the street from the boat launch.

Often, it was after being out drinking after work that we'd end up out on the water at midnight, skiing. With everyone slightly edgy about being in the water at night, Tom or I, would climb out of the boat into the water. The ski and the rope would be gently tossed out and all positions taken for......skiing naked at night! It was too dark for them to see us taking off our shorts in the water and the surprise would have the girls laughing so hard, it helped break the tension. Who cared about shrinkage?!! The only problem that ever came up was forgetting to bring an extra pair of shorts after letting the other float down river...oh well, sometimes it was important and other times not.

Restaurant Exploits - 3 girls in 4 days

2006-08-22T13:21:00.000-07:00

The life in the restaurant business can be pure debauchery at times. I eventually left burnt out from walking the fine line between fun and frivolity and sex, drugs and rock n' roll. The latter left many friends in rehab and/or with meager lives, but god, was it fun at the time!

One week I replay occasionally in mind was in Portland, Oregon restaurant, the Rusty Pelican that was down on John's Landing on the Willamette River. The RP was a haven for beautiful girls in the early days of the restaurant. If you worked there, it was sexual heaven. Actually, I replay a lot of those days, but one story at a time.

I'm not sure how it started, but I started dating Annie, a cocktail waitress. I'm sorry, we started dating because one drunken night we ended up in bed. She was a nice, quiet type, not exactly my type, but what guy's gonna complain when some cute blond wants to have sex with you. The problem with her was there was a lot of emotional baggage. This kept us from getting close, plus there were a lot of other waitresses there I wanted to get to know.

So, one night, after Annie and I had spent another night of sex together, we went out for drinks and she ended up just entirely sloshed. I didn't drink that much, so I took her home, put her to bed. She begged me to stay (I was walking away from getting laid), but the attaction and her level of drunkeness just wasn't there for me that night. I kissed her teary face goodbye and headed home.

I forgot to mention, at that time, I shared a house with two other waitresses, Boots and Joni. There was nothing between Joni and I, but Boots and I were disfunctional soul mates. We cared for each other, but just couldn't end up together. We had a hot tub in back and I put on my robe over my nude body and ran into Boots as she was coming in from the garage. She, too, was a little lit from drinking cocktails after work. She said she was "a little heated" and going to bed. For whatever reason, we kissed each other goodnight and then we kissed a little more. I said, "you sure you don't want to go in the hot tub with me?" She gave me a squeeze and said she'd be right out. To this day, I've never had sex with anyone like I had with her. She should be pictured in the dictionary with the word, "seductive". At two in the morning, she kind of flipped out and ran back to her room. She said, she didn't want Joni to catch us. I thought,"who cares", but I was too sleepy to argue. We carried on as usual the next day with just a little knowing smile between us.

I fell asleep early that next night and then Thursday night came. There was a cocktail waitress everyone called "Little Mary". She was about five feet tall, cute and always fun to banter sexually with. We always swore we were gonna have sex with each other, but it never got any more serious than talk. So, that Thursday night, we ended up out ... "having drinks" with a group from the RP. Little Mary and I started chatting up about having sex a little more this night and I pretty much knew I was going home with her.

One of the other girls with us, KJ, a former Miss Oregon and Little Mary's roommate, got just hammered and started talking stupid. "No one loves me...blah, blah, blah". Her personality was over the top. She claimed to have the "widest spread in town"! In fact, KJ and Boots had become a duo in the Portland dating scene. They'd double dated with new guys all the time for a couple of month stretch.

So, KJ runs out of the bar we're at and Little Mary and I chase out after her to save her from hurting herself. We hop in my car and drive up and down the streets looking for her. We end up finding her a half hour latter laying down in ivy along side the road about a half mile from the bar. We pull her into the car, she better now, and drive back to there house.

Once we got there, things got a little disjointed. We put KJ on her bed and then we went out to have a beer in the kitchen. KJ walked back out with yellow pajamas (with feet)halfway zipped up and her breasts hanging out. She offered me to come sleep with her. Little Mary stomped out of the room (she was always losing out to KJ in the boy department) and I told KJ that, I was there to be with Little Mary. She slurred it was my loss and went back to bed. I went to Little Mary's room and tried to reconcile the evening. She did, by saying "I guess I better get into this", meaning to have sex with me. We did and it was very lackluster, but we finally did it. There was no expectation, but the thought about going into KJ's room crossed my mind.

Over the next few days, the rumor mill began working at the RP and Annie would never, ever talk to me again. In fact, she moved away within a few weeks to "improve her life" as she told one of the girls there. As the RP turned, so did the staff. One girl out, a new one in....That's another story.

Beauty of the Day

2006-08-22T12:36:00.000-07:00

ah, and what a beautiful day it 'tis!

Back with some 12 yr old humor

2006-08-21T10:33:00.000-07:00

An elephant asks a camel:"Why are your breasts on your back?"

Well" says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face"

Spineless in Italy

2006-08-02T15:27:00.000-07:00

OK - Now I travel into what pissed me off in Italy and the quagmire of politics. I think I'm objective, yet when traveling overseas, you tend to find other Americans, from a distance, annoying. Problem is, I am the other annoying American that that American is seeing, as well. It's the way we dress (white tennis shoes are a dead give away), the way we walk (an air of arrogance - even the most wimpiest of Americans), the facial tics and body language and, of course, our language. We truly stand out as Americans, but the real annoying thing I saw while traveling were the Canadians! Often mistaken for Americans abroad because of the aforementioned idiosyncrasies, I saw several families/groups across Italy wearing clothes with the Canadian Flag on them.

Now you have to consider two things - First, what would think if you saw an American wearing the Stars & Stripes walking down some street in Rome...Does the Ugly American come to mind? Secondly, why would a Canadian wear the Red Maple Leaf so proudly...Would it be so others don't confuse them for being Americans; that they're better than the Bush led country to the South; that they are truly that different? You know they're insecure enough that they needed to wear the Maple Leaf.

Regardless how you feel about the Bush Administration & Policies, I was embarrassed for those other Canadians who aren't concerned about being perceived as an American. Bottom line is when traveling abroad, you do your best represent yourself in the best manner possible (be polite, attempt to speak the language, show some humility)and if they still hate you without knowing you, fuck'em! Life's too short to worry about what others think of you, all the time, even if you are one of those self-conscious, spineless Canadians.

3 Hairs and New Attitude!

2006-07-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

The Attitude of Three Hairs
===================

There was once a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today," so she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw she had only two hairs on her head.

"HMM," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today," and she did and she had a grand day.

The next morning she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw she had only one hair left on her head.

"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and it was a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Remember you may not be able to control what someone says or does or some of the situations that life throws you, but you can sure control the way you react.

"True contentment is not in having everything, but in being satisfied with everything you have. "

Sing it with me...I gaaawwwt you Babe!

Experiencing the World Cup while in Italy - Viva Italia!

2006-07-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

For those who missed it, Italy Won the World Cup! It was happening while I was in Italy. Each city or small town I was in celebrated the same - with unbridled passion. I felt the passion in Venice, Florence and mostly in Rome. I was in Rome when the qualified for the Semi-Finals. I saw the game with a large crowd of Italians in a park (Piazza Vittorio Emanuelle II) with a huge 10'x 20' screen. They sold beer in the park and many brought their own which help create a very raucous atmosphere. What an experience. The Italians won, of course, and later, as I lie in bed, my windows wide open to the humid night air, I listened to the passionate cries of joy and horn honking till late in the morning. A memory I will never forget.

Beauty of the Day!

2006-07-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

It's HOT all over - Stay Cool, Stay Cool!

Italia - They Know How to Live

2006-07-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

Travel, Travel, Travel! Sell all your worldly possessions and travel. It enriches the soul, opens your mind and creates a full life! Italy was nothing short of awesome. The food and wine were great. The small cars and death defying feats on the Autostrada (freeway)are legendary. The heat took some getting use to, but the sights and history are molto bene. Ah, and the Florentine women were il cielo sulla terra(heaven on earth). Somehow it is hard to describe the experience and the beauty of the women, but those who've been, know.

Here's the Itenerary: Arrive Rome, drive to Assisi for one night, Venice 2 nights, Florence 2 nights, San Gimignano (Tuscany Hill Town) 1 night, Manarola 2 nights, Castel Pietro near Monteriggioni (Tuscany Hill Town) 1 night, Locanda Rosati outside of Orvieto (Umbrian Hill Town) and Rome for 4 nights.

I had several favorite places : Assisi, Florence, Manarola on the Cinque Terra, and the quaint, twelve room inn known as Locanda Rosati near Orvieto. What made Locanda Rosati great was their dinners. You sat down at 8:30 for a 4 course meal with all the other travelers from around the world and drank as much wine and Grappa as you please. The food was all locally grown and organic. Both nights the meal was outstanding. Almost everyone stayed until midnight both nights, as well. Great food and experience!

Below is a picture of Manarola which is one of five hill towns on the Italian Riviera, thus the Cinque Terra. The thing to do there is to hike between the five hill towns. Then when you are done with that you eat the great seafood and drink their locally grown wine "casa del vino". We ate at the outdoor Marina Piccolo restaurant which is the one with lights on the left in the picture.

Zeus on the trail between Manarola and Corniglia.

Yeah, it's not a great shot, but you get the idea.

A view of the Umbrian hill town of Orvieto (click on picture to enlarge). The Etruscans ruled it for centuries before the Roman's invaded around 500 b.c. There are over 200 underground tunnels beneath the city that the Etruscans built for a variety of reasons.

I will try to get a few more pics here later. Still catching up! The Italians, they know how to live - Ciao!

Buon F****** Giorno!

2006-07-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

Wow! What a wild last 24 days!!! Toured Italy for 17 days and then came home, only to run up and take care of my Pa, who had a heart attack! I will get back in the swing here shortly!

Women react fast to erotic images, too!

2006-06-15T14:32:00.000-07:00

This is copied from some report I forgot to include - it is credible and not that far of a reach to agree with.

It is a general belief that men are more aroused by erotic images than women, but according to a recent study, it turned out, women have responses as strong as those seen in men. Erotic images elicited women neuron firing within 160 milliseconds—about 20% faster than occurred with any of the other pictures.

Just in case you wanted to know. Problem is that most erotic images are geared toward a man's reaction. Hmmmm, How different would a women's be?

Italia - the next adventure!

2006-06-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

We land in Rome and drive to Assisi for one night and then to Venice for two. We drive south to Florence for two nights and then out to Cinque Terra for another two nights. I am going to love the hiking on the Cinque Terra. They are five small seaside towns that are only connected by railway and an undulating rocky trail through vineyards and beautiful vistas.

Then, it is down to through the Tuscany region to San Gimignano to start.

Then to Orvieto

Then a few more towns before we're back to Rome for the last five days.

Ciao Bella!

Climbed Shasta

2006-06-08T12:04:00.001-07:00

Zeus (far left)and the Gang of 9 Climbers!

At Horse Camp for Lunch and to set up Camp!

Practicing the French Step and Use of the Ice Ax

1:30 in the climbing up to Helen Lake. Using head lamps and with 20+ people climbing over a 1/4 of a mile, it looked surreal to see these tiny strobes of light in complete darkness.

2500' and 4 hours later, we made it to Helen Lake. The wind was blowing and very cold.

This is the route up to the Red Banks (rock outcropping at the top). I made it just below this and turned around when my calves started cramping. If you click on the picture you'll be able to see two little dots/people next to the avalanche field. The perspective on this is very deceiving. Higher up is where a climber fell while climbing alone and with no helmet. He spun out of control down the mountain and, by the grace of God, he was stopped by two climbers who dug their crampons into the ice and braced themselves. He ended up having a fractured ankle, ribs and a concussion. It took them at least 5 hours to get him down the mountain to the trail head where a helicopter picked him up.

Mark at Helen Lake - the views were just indescribable.

The way back down to Horse Camp from Helen Lake. Not much glissading (sliding down on your butt) because the snow was too soft.

Later that day, the clouds were back and Kurt, our only summiteer, takes a look back at the mountain.

Poll - If you please!

2006-06-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

Due to a lack of creativity, I've stolen a poll. Copy and post with your reply - please!

1. What childhood vacation do you remember the most fondly? Yellowstone!

2. How many colors has your hair been? It was white blond until I moved to Portland Oregon and the volcano blew! Now it's ash colored

3. Would you rather be placed in a tub filled with water snakes or covered with ants? I hate these and wouldn't choose either.

4. Are you camp Jessica or camp Nick? (heh) - God, who cares!

5. Do you have a swimming pool? Can we come over? Yeah, it is awesome. It has a waterfall made out of Sierra Boulders. You can sit beneath the rocks and the water pours over your shoulders - very nice.

6. Salty or sweet? Both, if you please.

7. When did you last get a kiss? This morning - my wife!

8. Do you play a musical instrument? Guitar

9. What's your favorite kind of weather? Sunny, all day!

10. What are you wearing right now? Well, it is "half Nekkid Thursday", but I've got on Business attire-yawn!

Beauty of the Day

2006-06-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

Pet Peeve: Are You Embarrassed By The Growing Number Of OBESE Americans?

2006-05-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

Sorry for stepping away from my usual joyful entries, but man, I got to vent. I went to the Sacramento County Fair this last weekend to see my daughter's entries for photography and baking. You've probably heard the countless news reports about the growing number of obese people in our society? I think everyone has a tendency to live in their own little bubble. Going to the County Fair was definitely stepping out of my own personal bubble. Man - there are a lot of fat people. You know, extremely large butts, large, barrel-sized guts, etc. You know what - it is just not acceptable!

You've got to wonder if this part of decline of our civilization. People stop carrying about their health. TV is such a priority. We consume soooo much crap (chips, soda, fatty foods). I spoke to a Professor of a UC school who studies food and found out that the whole "Trans-fat free" trend that's happening right now is a fraud. Oh, it is trans-fat free, but companies like Kraft have developed new types of fat (seriously) that are as bad as trans-fats. So, the probability of our society is going to collapse under "weight" of all our obese, unhealthy American (and illegal immigrants) seems to gaining. Obesity leads to Type II Diabetes because we can't control what we put in our mouth. We don't exercise because everyone's got to watch their program. We have become a fat, insulated society and were going to become a second rate society - it is just not acceptable!

For the record, I was medically diagnosed 3 years ago as "obese" (258 lbs.)even though people said I "carry my weight well". Now I am fit (227 lbs.) and I will never, ever be fat again. It has become my compulsion to avoid gaining back the weight I lost. I feel better, my outlook is better, I am more successful. It comes down to ability to think independently, self-control and a desire to be better.

Stop the Down Fall of the American Society!

Turn Off the TV, Eat Right - Chose Fitness!!!!!
I'M OFF MY SOAP BOX!

I Climb Mt. Shasta Next Thursday!

2006-05-26T15:52:00.000-07:00

14,162'

This is Avalanche Gulch on the Southern side of Mt. Shasta. It is the route we are taking to the top!

Beauty of the Day

2006-05-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

My Dream Come True!

2006-05-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Catholic School Stories: The Paper Drive & Playboy Magazines

2006-05-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

Back in the early 70's, my 8th grade class was sponsoring a paper drive to raise money for the class and school. First I will describe my Teacher. Here name was Sister Agnes Jean. Does Agnes sound like a nice name to you? She hated anything male.

One day at the end of class, Sister Agnes Jean said we, the boys she hates, had to go over to the "Rectory" (the Priest's house which should have the name changed) and get all of their newspapers and bring them over to a staging area next to the Nun's car port! We used one of those flat bed dollies to tote over the papers. We ended up with about six tall stacks and as we rolled the papers across the parking lot/play ground to the Nun's garage, the papers began to slide because of the vibration.

OH HAPPY DAY! We caught the papers too late before they slid onto the asphalt. The papers in one of the stacks that were left on the dolly weren't papers at all. There to the surprise and joy of a dozen 8th Grade Catholic Boys were 3 Playboy magazines!

We finished picking up the papers off the ground and quickly rolled it over to the side of the Nun's car port. With everyone cleared out after school, we stood around "reading the articles" from our new found magazines! Then one of the guys decided a fun little stunt would be to put up the Centerfolds on the inside of the Nun's car port! Oh, did the shit hit the fan!!!!

The next morning, Sister Agnes Jean, in her more than usual surly demeanor, asked the girls in our class to step outside and close the door. Once gone, Sister then paced the front of the class like the Nazi she was. Slowly, in a terse voice, she discussed the finding of the Playboys in the paper stacks. That's where we left them. She asked who put them up inside the car port. No one answered as she expected. She then went on to explain that the reason the Priest had the magazines was to review the material so that they could address pornography in their sermon on Sunday. --- You have to understand, she could be so menacing we never questioned her, or her explanation. She went on to say that this conversation would stay in this room and if heard anywhere else, we would pay dearly. None of us did. So, here it is,(please God let her be dead)I have revealed this story at last.

Restaurant Stories Continued: A Dare is Done!

2006-05-22T10:39:00.000-07:00

I did a dare at a Portland restaurant, The Rusty Pelican, where I worked in 1981. I had had a few “pops” after working a rare lunch shift with another waiter/friend down the street from the RP. The discussion of a waitress I liked came up and he dared me to do something to get here attention. As luck would have it she was working the “front section” that night. I took the dare because ultimately I thought I would get the waitresses attention and the few glasses of liquid courage/stupidity ensured I would do something worth getting noticed.

The Front Section of the restaurant are the tables with a view. The tables are in front of floor to ceiling windows overlooking the Willamette River and Mt. St. Helen. Between the Front Section windows and the river runs a 5 ft wide paved walking trail. Adjacent to the restaurant is an office building with covered parking.
This is where my dare started.

I parked my car there and pulled my bike out of the back. I pulled on knit cap as my only disguise. I slipped off my running shorts and t-shirt. Then I rode gloriously nude past the dining patrons and the waitress facing me on the aforementioned paved walkway. I turned around at the far end of the building and did an encore, waving as I went by! I was gone before anyone could react.

The stories of the “streaking bicyclist” circulated through the restaurant for days. No one’s ever known it was me. My friend didn’t believe I did it, only saying it was a coincidence. Several weeks later the waitress and I started going out. I never told her for fear of being viewed as a creep. I just wonder how many patrons had their dinner ruined by my ride? Hopefully, more laughed.

Restaurant Story: "Clopen" & my friend's Mom!

2006-05-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

There's a thing in restaurant business called a "Clopen". That's where you are scheduled to work a closing shift one night and open the next morning. This incident occured the night before Easter Brunch 1983 - An ugly day to work for tips, much like Mother's Day. The only cure is to drink the stress of Saturday night off so you can sleep enough to work the next morning.

I was waitering and bartending at the Rusty Duck in Sacramento. This night I was a waiter. I got off work and went with a fellow waiter, "Shoes", to the Ancient Moose restaurant next door. Many shots of tequila and beers later, I dropped him off at his Mom's apartment. He offered me a place on the couch so I could avoid getting popped for a DUI. I took him up on it, but asked him to leave the bathroom light on, because I get confused if I'm somewhere different when I wake in the middle of the night and especially when I'm drunk.

I quickly pass out on the couch. The next thing I know I'm awakened to someone screaming. It was his mom and I was standing in her closet about to take a leak! My friend hadn't left the bathroom light on and somehow I had made my way to his Mom's bedroom. I left his apartment immediately after I used their bathroom. I could hear Shoe's Mom yelling at him as I left.

I woke up the next morning without an alarm at 8:20. I was supposed to be at work at 8:30. I hate being late and even worse it was Easter Sunday Brunch. I had to bartend and setting up the bar was one of my most loathed jobs. It was a very long shift and it was nothing but pure hell - hungover and making lots of gin fizzes.

Red Lake Peak! 10,063' with an Awesome View!

2006-05-17T16:40:00.000-07:00

That's a Southeastern view from Red Lake Peak of the Sierra's!

We brought snowshoes, but the hot days of the previous week melted the snow!

I chose a more difficult route!

Uncle Pat with Lake Tahoe on the right and Desolation Valley covered in snow on the left.

Walking down!

Next Peak - Round Top Mountain at Carson Pass

2006-05-11T11:40:00.000-07:00

This summit is over 10,000' high. It will provide a great workout for my last practice climb before attempting Mt. Shasta on June 1st. We will start at 6:00 AM on Saturday.

Beauty of the Day!

2006-05-10T15:54:00.000-07:00

Most of you understand that email is used to share happiness with each other. My friends seem to believe this fully. I am barraged daily with countless emails with content like this. So, as a tribute to my male counterparts, I am, in good taste, offering for now on, "The Beauty of the Day".

To all my female readers. It's a flaw in my personality. Thanks, Zeus

Finally - My Dream Trip is Coming True - BVI!

2006-05-08T12:19:00.000-07:00

Finally - I am going sailing in the Caribbean next February. We got invited by some friends who have sailed for years and were looking for someone to go on their next adventure. You have no idea how excited I am about this - enough to work harder than I have ever in my life!

Here's the boat we're going to rent! 47 footer with 4 bedrooms!

Boats in action!

Why Marriages Fail

2006-05-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back

Male/Female Orgasm Test!

2006-05-03T13:27:00.000-07:00

Orgasm Test

Climbing Mt. Tallac - So. Lake Tahoe

2006-04-30T16:51:00.000-07:00

Zeus - on my way up!

Brother-in-Law/Guide overlooking beautiful Lake Tahoe & Fallen Leaf Lake, right.

How Long Do You Stay At A Job You Hate?

2006-04-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

I hate the interview process, but I've got to start somewhere. This company I work for has gone from decent to just a shit pile in a year. They invest nothing in their workers or their offices. I have to buy stamps if I want to mail something and, of course, I get to expense it, but what a waste of time. I'm in Sales and you'd think that the company would want to support the Sales Team and reduce the number hurdles so I can sell more!!!!

Oh, and my boss was in a bar @ 4:30 yesterday - NICE! I need to resolve an issue with a customer and she's knocking down the Jack with a water back!

Stay Tuned- this is going to get interesting!

I'm going here this summer - Bella, Bella Italia

2006-04-26T18:31:00.000-07:00

Message to someone else-I need for myself!

2006-04-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

For Christ sakes - get over yourself already! There's so much effing negativity in this world and you're challenging people, probably with good sense and great life experience, who recognize somebody with talent, You. What you gonna do, flounder around sucking up to employers the rest of your life and at age 50 regret that you never took on the challenge of working for yourself. I highly doubt it and I don't even know you. DISIPLINE YOURSELF then other won't have to!!!!!

Clear away all the mind clutter and do what you love doing. Life is all about how much risk you are willing to take. It's your life and your choices, but it obvious you've got some talent! Use it, exploit it and enjoy the fruits of it!

I Climbed This Mountain Yesterday!

2006-04-24T15:35:00.000-07:00

Mt. Diablo = 3849'
15+ miles round trip from Mitchell Canyon, 3400' elevation gain

7 hours, 2 wrong turns

End of the Rainbow!

2006-04-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

Men vs. Women - How to operate

2006-04-24T13:25:00.000-07:00

Proteans - the Warm up Flirt to Flirting

2006-04-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

I'm in sales. I cold call a lot. I engage a lot of women (and men) in small talk. This is, of course, about the encounters with the women. The slightest nonverbal, unintentional flirting is called Protean.

It's the twinkle in the eye, the smile, the engaging rejoinder, or the flick of the hair - that is a Protean. This is, for the woman, sitting on the fence stuff, dipping the toe in the water, checking to see if their still attractive, or the chance for an ego boost.

We all do it, well, that lady today at the company that makes replacement hips and knees, she certainly didn't know the first thing about proteans. I remembered her from long ago and she, an accountant, was unmoved by my memory of her. She had offered to talk to me, but her minimal tolerance of my presence was very noticable. I wonder if you can inject something into someone like Botox?

Proteans can make your day, especially when you're working hard and something out of the ordinary interject your day and gives you a little boost. Show your love for the salesman who shows up unexpected and YOU may get a PROTEAN!

This reminds me of the accountant mentioned above and she's obviously not giving off any proteans - -

The only problem with the whole proteans thing is when the receiver of the protean jumps overboard, overreacts to the protean(normally the male) and blows the fun(ness) out of a simple, unintentional protean. There, good or bad - enjoy your proteans.

A Stolen Life's Philosophy!

2006-04-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body.

It's better to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, with body totally worn out and screaming ~"WOO HOO what a ride!"

>

Penis Size - An Answer to an Age Old Question

2006-04-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

So, what is big, what is small and what's a normal size of a penis?

Girls never made comments like this about me.

I had a friend who once slept with my girlfriend's roommate. After my friend had left, the roommate bristled with post-sexual delight and said, "I grew up on a farm and I NEVER saw one that big". His nickname is Mister Size!

You work with what you have to be the best, enjoy it and never regret your size! Attitude, it's all attitude! The male psych is often impacted by the size of his best friend, his Penis! This website gives you a clear understanding of what is "Low Average", "Average", "High Average" and "Time to visit the Farm Animal Vetenarian". Penis Size Chart for Women's Arousal
Average Penis Size Chart

(disclaimer: this chart could be wrong depending on who you talk to)

A Mindless Journey

2006-04-11T11:49:00.000-07:00

Check out this blog - there's some funny and curious stuff!

Drunk Munky

Here Piggy, Piggy, Piggy!

2006-04-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

Ok - here's something a little less offensive, fun and stupid at the same time.

Draw Piggie

Here's a link to express your feeling for another

2006-04-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

Are you looking for a way to email your feelings? Here's a link you can email to someone and the message is loud and clear......Express Yourself

Boys will be Boys...

2006-04-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

It doesn't matter what age you are as a male, this site never becomes boring, well almost. It's really a control issue we don't have in the real world. Women control consentual sex and this is one of those places where we get what we want and when, well almost... Have Fun! Just move the mouse over each picture...Flashers

A Waiter's Story of a Tip!

2006-03-29T14:09:00.000-08:00

OK - I've got to tell you my story from many years ago, 1981 to be exact. I worked in Portland, Oregon at restaurant that was on the Willamette River near downtown. It had floor to ceiling windows for a great view from tables that everyone wanted.

I had one of those tables clear and a 4 top sits down. Two young, slightly intoxicated couples sit down boy, girl, boy, girl. After I greet them, they happily let me know they've been kicked out of 2 restaurants already that night. Me, who can handle anything, thinks, bring it on. Of course this is an upscale family restaurant and I had other normal customers surrounding this table.

I managed to keep them under control for most of the evening. Then one of the women, girlfriend 1, starts asking me what I would like for a tip, as she licks her lips! The guys, actually brothers, don't seem to care. Hmmm...I think, maybe this won't be a bad table afterall! Young male waiters, as I remember, never had high standards or morals - I fit the mold.

Engergized by the woman's proposition and the fact that they had almost driven out the last of my surrounding tables, I finally thought my "tip" was coming. Then, as I was talking to them,trying to keep them under control, brother 1 responds to something brother 2 says by playfully stabbing him in the crotch with a steak knife. Brother 2 over dramatizes the fake stab and reaches over to girlfriend 2 and asks her to make him feel better. Then Brother 2 leans back in his chair and unzips his pants. He pulls out the supposedly damaged unit and girlfriend 2 promptly bends over and kisses briefly back to health. "Does that make it feel better?" she asks? Then, they all just sit their smirking in their unabashed glory. I left after that not knowing exactly how to react.

It was now time to let them go. I went and got their $67.00 check and dropped it off. I had to run upstairs to the bar for something and when I return, "surprise", they've left without paying. I ran out to parking lot looking for the payment and, of course, my "tip". I was going to get the "tip", right? I saw them at the far end of the parking lot stubbling towrad their car. I didn't make a habit of chasing down dashing diners, but I felt I kind of knew this group and approached them nonchalantly. They had no cash and ended up writing me a check for the bill with my "tip" included. Girlfriend 1 showed no signs of remembering her licked lip offer of a tip. I should have asked but I was now just hoping to cover the bill considering or else I would have had to. They gave the check and a tip.......drum roll please..... a check for seventy dollars. That was two dollars and some change for an evening that I'll never forget.

Wisdom Comes with Age!

2006-03-15T12:14:00.000-08:00

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his
boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was
Dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss
me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever
seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have
dreamed of."The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what
I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have
never had."He opened his pocket, looked at the frog
and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR POOPING AT WORK

2006-03-08T09:34:00.000-08:00

HOW TO POOP AT WORK...

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office, so the smell isn't in your area. Everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be extremely careful when you do this. Don't stop until the full fart has been fully expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the entire smell has left your pants/panty area.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in> the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it didn't happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you didn't hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, don't panic! Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it's best to pretend that the smell doesn't exist. This can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper and/or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK: (P.F.N.) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURF BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you'll avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap, that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you're occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when> hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a> series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Aaah! I did the dip AND got caught!

2006-03-02T14:14:00.000-08:00

Okay - Men look at butt's, legs, faces and unfortunately, BREASTS! It's a life long obsession that I thought I would be able to control with age. Things haven't changed.

Last Saturday, after a evening soccer game, a group of parents gathered at the local pizza restaurant. We were all talking. I was tired and turned to talk to the woman across from me. As I turned, my tired eyes looked right at her cleavage! It wasn't intentional, It was just at the the level I was looking when I turned. Of course, I immediately looked up and met her eyes which were now self-conscious. I was sooooooooooo busted. I felt like a pig. The funniest thing about it all is that she is almost flat-chested.

I mean the way her shirt sagged at her "cleavage" created a dark spot and that's where my eyes ended up at. What was worse is that now my eyes were being tugged back down and I had to look away. I don't know how many guys that happens to, but I hate it, because, in those rare moments, I seem to have no control. My eyes start to tear up because they want to go south and the muscles precariously holding them at eye level are quickly going to fail. I have no choice except to look away. And after being busted, like what had just happened, it makes it more obvious and painful. Is there some therapy for this?

After I turned away and talked to the guys some more, I went back to speak to her again. I was sure I was over my affliction. Well, I was, but she wasn't...she was holding up her jacket to her "cleavage" as a notice to me that I wasn't getting any more looks at her! So, I hope she doesn't hold a grudge. She's somewhat serious and a very strong-minded woman and probably not used to being overtly ogled by a "respectable" person.

As I stated at the beginning, BREASTS are a real problem. I have had this happen to me countless times: the look, the acknowledgement that I've been caught, the eyes tugging downward afterward, the looking away in humiliation. When you look at them, it's obvious where you're looking. But with an ass, legs or face, it's no problem as long as you don't get caught by another woman. Getting caught looking at breasts, when unwelcome, is a humiliating situation. I know. I need one of those chrome reflectors people use for tanning so I don't look below a woman neck. Such is my life living with Testosterone.

The barbecue, the buzz and the open shorts!

2006-02-24T12:02:00.000-08:00

Alcohol, jesus not rubbing alcohol for god's sake, save that for Kitty Dukakis! No beer, wine, grain...whatever, it definitely impairs your judgment. So, I'm sitting there with my wife at a friends house where we've had dinner and mucho drinks. We've gone swimming and changed back into our casual attire.

The hostess, is a spunky, nice looking woman who has been rumored to have had affairs a little too close to home - it was another parent at the same parish. There has always been the "good energy" between us and the occasional tawdry talk and double entendre. Oh, she's got a great ass, too, that seems to be always covered by a short khaki skirt that I fantasize about pushing up. But I do that visual with every great ass.

We're pounding the beers back, sitting across from each other on low couches. The husband is in the other room playing a game. I'm, seriously, not thinking about the fact that I didn't put back on my underwear when I put on my shorts after swimming. It probably just felt better at the moment to be "swinging free". I really didn't think a thing about it till I caught the Hostess looking where she shouldn't.

Back to the alcohol impairing your judgment, I didn't bother to change my position, nor did she stop taking looks. I could feel myself somewhat open, but closing my legs may caused her to be embarrassed and I wouldn't have wanted to embarrass the Hostess. I thought it was kind of funny if she was checking out my "package". It was the continued "glances" that made me sure she was taking in my stuff.

What confirmed all my suspicions is what occurred when we went to leave. We were outside saying goodbye when Hostess comes up to me and gives me mischievous eye contact and a strong, prolonged hug and whispers in my ear "that was fun". With my wife not more than 15 ft away giving a hug goodbye to the host, I didn't dare say anything other than, "it sure was - thanks for the hospitality". No pelvic thrust forward or grope of her great ass, just a nice friendly goodbye. Where was this supposed to go, I thought. I went off on a torrid, fantasy laced tangent of her on the drive home.

I woke up the next morning and grimaced a little at what had transpired. It was a little too blatant on my part. Fortunately, I haven't ran into her that often since, but when I have, it has been a lot less personal than before. Is she bitter, embarrassed or disgusted by me - who cares. Dangerous, very dangerous, if I had gone through with that one. Nope - just not selfish enough to take the "plunge". Only you get to know that it happened - almost!

The club, 3 women, and the odds!

2006-02-24T10:53:00.000-08:00

Trish, she greeted me at 5:20 this morning. "You know, you can't come back in here till you find your card", she jokingly chided me about my missing club card. Her eyes twinkle when she does it. She's got a hot, tight body, warm cheery face and sweet personality. It's great way to start a workout! My buddy Bill wants to give it to her, too. Gee, make that the majority of the male population she encouters.

As I walked into the cardio room, my still sleepy eyes caught pretty blond hair and naturally a very attractive face working out on the treadmill. I continued to my equipment and was trying to position myself right on the elliptical trainer between the two televisions so I could watch two news programs at once. As I was doing this I caught myself staring at the blond for an extended moment. Half brain numb from sleep and half impressed at the quality of her beauty. I snapped myself back into reality and got exercising. She must have caught me staring, it was so obvious, because she left as soon as I got started. Bummer - the distraction would have helped the time go by.

Fortunately, she was working out in the weight room when I went there later. As I went to workout in another room with the trainer, I saw a "well-kept" older blond working out on the floor next to glass wall where I was doing some anaerobic workout. She was holding a large ball between her legs and doing abdominal exercises. This meant she had her legs spread for a long time, which is hard not to stare at even as I was resting and breathing very hard between exercises. She made no attempt to shield herself from my glances.

As I was resting in between my strenuous workout, she walked up to the glass. She has nice C or D size breasts I noticed immediately. I could barely hear her through the glass, but made some reference to our workout. I noticed, looking at her breasts again, that her nipples starting to protrude her thin workout top. Could she be getting excited talking to me, I quickly assume? We managed another short exchange that neither of us seemed to understand other than our need to acknowledge each other. She went away to finish her workout and I used the encounter to work harder.

Then there was the fourth women I ran into briefly as I approached the front desk. She's been at the club for a long time and we've always exchanged hello's. There seems to be an assumed bond between all the people that work out early in the morning. It like a fraternity/sorority. She gave me an overly acknowledged(eyes twinkle, hello with a smile) greeting. As she walked past SHE double dipped and looked at me again, with much more intense eyes. Of course, I was looking at her again for a body evaluation (tits & ass quality). She had too much coverage for a good assesment. I just smiled because just then Trish had come up to take my locker key. The subsequent banter between Bill and I with Trish was now reaching overly flirtaous levels. This is to the point to where we better back off to maintain the low level flirting long term, or risk rejection with cool shoulder. Or we would have to take it to the next level which of course wouldn't happen. Of course this would only bother me until the next good looking woman goes by.

It amazes me how quickly I jump from one brief infatuation to the next. As always, I'm assessing whether they would give a quick encounter, or whether it would a cataclysmic mistake of sexual lust. As I've learned about myself, it is about the "almost". Could I??? If I were drunk and far away from everyone important - maybe. But here and now, with each and every one, how desperately I want to.

Bottom line it's a mental masturbation for my ego, but it's never going to be a reality. My shoulder sag at that reality. If I could only be Zeus.

A Funeral, Scotch and an ER Doc

2006-02-22T09:36:00.000-08:00

Whoever thought you'd bond with a distant family at a funeral over scotch from a plastic cup and stories from Emergency Room, hasn't hung out with my family. The stage was set by a warm gathering at the Funeral Home remembering a wonderful Aunt. The wake afteward, took place in her modest home where the immediate family and cousins from as far as Seattle to Philadelphia congregated.

The Wake started, for me at least, with a great red wine I had brought to toast to her family, my cousins, Pat, Jim, Meg and Anne. The other, distant cousins had to drink the cheaper, bitter wine or beer. Once the good wine was gone, I took a brief taste of the bitter wine and went to find something else to drink.

This took me to the kitchen where the male contingent of the family were telling stories and I melded in. My Uncle, who died almost exactly a year before my Aunt, had some fine scotch left in their liquor cabinet which was now being ceremoniously being poured into a blue plastic tumbler that had survived from my cousin's childhood. The cup, filled with scotch and a single ice cube, was being passed around the kitchen for each to take a drink in memory of the parents and to the entire family. It was like some form of communion and then the stories resumed!

"C'mon Jim, an Emergency Room Doctor from the Northwest, tell us a funny story from the ER", I prodded. A few more of the cousins did the same and then a smile came to Jim's face...

"I was walking to read a chart, when the ER Head Nurse came up to me and said with a smirk on her face, "we got a good one in room three!". She told me what the problem was and I walked in room #3 to see a middle-aged man lying on the examination table. From the moment I walked in, I could hear a low humming noise. "I hear you've got a problem", I said a unfazed as I could. "Do you want to tell me how it happened?"

"The man, red with embarrassment, told me he had been masturbating with 9" vibrator up his ass and he got a little carried away. Now, the tail-end of the vibrator, still humming, was lodged six inches up his ass. I could feel it humming and see the 9" long vibrator impression against his stomach wall. I did what I could to try to extract it, but it was too deep for me to get it. The only solution was to get the on-call surgeon in to do a non-surgical procedure that would require the man to be under anesthesia. I called the surgeon and found out he was involved with another situation and couldn't be there for four hours. When I went back and told my humming patient the news, he went white. He told me he had to pick up his kids in a few hours. Eventually, he had no choice but to call his wife. It was quite an awkward moment when the wife arrived, her face torrid with rage. I stepped out of the room and let them "work things out"! If I ever wanted to follow up on any of my ER patients, I was always curious to know how that one worked out. Oh, the vibrator was still humming when it was taken out 4 hours later. Good Batteries! "

As Jim finished his story, we were all laughing with tears in our eyes. It turns out that extracting things from peoples anus' is a common ER event and no, as I had asked, Gerbils have never been extracted. I will alway remember my Aunt's funeral and the poor man who had to call his wife with a 9" vibrator stuck in his ass. Lesson - No matter how good the fetish, keep it under control!

Getting in shape at Middle Age, Cheese and the Amazon Woman

2006-02-17T12:32:00.000-08:00

48 years old and 21 months from being 50. I started this blog because I feel I could nail any woman if I tried, but I won't because I want to stay married. The old saying, "once you step over the line, it's always easier cross". So, this is about those almost situations. My alter ego is Zeus, who went around nailing any woman he could in Ancient Greek Mythology while married to his sister, Hera. No, I didn't marry my sister. Greek Mythology was one of my favorite classes in college, and being somewhat of an extrovert, I used Zeus' philosophy as often as I could as pre-married man. I love good looking women, their breasts and a grrrrrrrrrreat ass! It is my elixir of life!

You see I wasn't born ugly, I look 5 to 10 years younger than I am. Someone thought I was 33 recently. I've been told in my life I look like, Robert Redford, Elvis, or even worse, Bill Clinton. I let myself get chubby over the last 10 years. I got tired of being fat and now I'm working hard to get back a body some woman would want to see, even if I am getting old enough to where the younger (20's) women consider me "gross".

So, yesterday, I'm scouring Whole Foods for some kind of lunch. I am starving because I'm working out an hour a day, 6 days a week. I just left an appointment across the street and I know that Whole Foods has samples out that will curb my appetite and my expenditure at the cash register. I walk past the pastry section, the pizza and food by the pound section and lock in all the delectable cheeses. There's always sample out.

As I approach, I notice this stunning older woman, probably just either side of 50. She's well dressed, about 6'2'', thin and blond. Great breasts, too. This makes the day a bonus. Every time I see an exceptional looking woman, I think, "what a great day"! We briefly made eye contact, nothing else.

With my stomach commanding control over my cerebral cortex versus the tool between my legs, I start circling the 8' x 12' cheese display looking for those little generous cups of cheese samples. I make the first turn, nothing, 2nd turn - nada (the big blocks bleu cheese looks incredible - my mouth waters) and as I circle around the 3rd corner of the cheese display, my Amazon woman is still standing there (nice ass!), blocking my path. Nothing like a double dip of eye candy. However, she looks back over her shoulder at me, makes eye contact, narrows her eyes like I'm stalking her. She must be used to it after all these years of looking like that. Most other days I could be guilty of taking an extra moment, or lap, to take a second look and get eye contact, a quick word, a SMILE. But today, the stomach ruled and I had to go around her to continue my search.

Now, without justification, I felt like a stalker, there were no cheese samples and Amazon's narrowed eyes meant she had no desires for me. It affected my choice of foods. I ended up with a very small sandwich from the "food by the pound" display, along with a small scoop of Cesar Salad and a nasty tasting sweet bar from the pastry section. Rejection and hunger are not a good combination. Thank God there's tomorrow.