Zeus Exploits

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. It's better to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, with body totally worn out and screaming ~"WOO HOO what a ride!"

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Location: Granite Bay, CA

Work hard, play hard, be the best that you can be and when you can't - laugh!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

A Funeral, Scotch and an ER Doc

Whoever thought you'd bond with a distant family at a funeral over scotch from a plastic cup and stories from Emergency Room, hasn't hung out with my family. The stage was set by a warm gathering at the Funeral Home remembering a wonderful Aunt. The wake afteward, took place in her modest home where the immediate family and cousins from as far as Seattle to Philadelphia congregated.

The Wake started, for me at least, with a great red wine I had brought to toast to her family, my cousins, Pat, Jim, Meg and Anne. The other, distant cousins had to drink the cheaper, bitter wine or beer. Once the good wine was gone, I took a brief taste of the bitter wine and went to find something else to drink.

This took me to the kitchen where the male contingent of the family were telling stories and I melded in. My Uncle, who died almost exactly a year before my Aunt, had some fine scotch left in their liquor cabinet which was now being ceremoniously being poured into a blue plastic tumbler that had survived from my cousin's childhood. The cup, filled with scotch and a single ice cube, was being passed around the kitchen for each to take a drink in memory of the parents and to the entire family. It was like some form of communion and then the stories resumed!

"C'mon Jim, an Emergency Room Doctor from the Northwest, tell us a funny story from the ER", I prodded. A few more of the cousins did the same and then a smile came to Jim's face...

"I was walking to read a chart, when the ER Head Nurse came up to me and said with a smirk on her face, "we got a good one in room three!". She told me what the problem was and I walked in room #3 to see a middle-aged man lying on the examination table. From the moment I walked in, I could hear a low humming noise. "I hear you've got a problem", I said a unfazed as I could. "Do you want to tell me how it happened?"

"The man, red with embarrassment, told me he had been masturbating with 9" vibrator up his ass and he got a little carried away. Now, the tail-end of the vibrator, still humming, was lodged six inches up his ass. I could feel it humming and see the 9" long vibrator impression against his stomach wall. I did what I could to try to extract it, but it was too deep for me to get it. The only solution was to get the on-call surgeon in to do a non-surgical procedure that would require the man to be under anesthesia. I called the surgeon and found out he was involved with another situation and couldn't be there for four hours. When I went back and told my humming patient the news, he went white. He told me he had to pick up his kids in a few hours. Eventually, he had no choice but to call his wife. It was quite an awkward moment when the wife arrived, her face torrid with rage. I stepped out of the room and let them "work things out"! If I ever wanted to follow up on any of my ER patients, I was always curious to know how that one worked out. Oh, the vibrator was still humming when it was taken out 4 hours later. Good Batteries! "

As Jim finished his story, we were all laughing with tears in our eyes. It turns out that extracting things from peoples anus' is a common ER event and no, as I had asked, Gerbils have never been extracted. I will alway remember my Aunt's funeral and the poor man who had to call his wife with a 9" vibrator stuck in his ass. Lesson - No matter how good the fetish, keep it under control!


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